A Fan's Advice

Aristotle: Hello?
Melissa: hi
Aristotle: Hi, um, sorry to intrude, but my assistant told me you might be of some help to me advicewise. I think you know her.
Melissa: yes. i know her. lol
Aristotle: Yes, well... she said you might be able to advise me.
Melissa: haha okay. i can do my best. whats up?
Aristotle: By the way, my name is Aristotle. Well... basically... I don't know exactly how to put it, but I feel really sick.
Melissa: nice to meet you. i'm melissa. your feeling sick?
Aristotle: Hello Melissa. My stomach is all fluttery and my chest feels like it's about to explode and my head is somewhere else all the time and I get really sweaty and nervous. And I can't stop thinking about... about somebody.
Melissa: ooooh. that kinda sick. i know that sickness. i know it all too well. what advice are you looking for?
Aristotle: Well, what is it? I've been to my doctors. They say nothing's wrong with me. I asked another of my assistant's friends, and she said it was cancer.
Melissa: hahahaha! cancer?! no
Aristotle: What's so funny? I don't want to die!
Melissa: how long has this sickness been going on?
Aristotle: A few months now.
Melissa: hmmm... sounds like a bad case of the "MAJOR LIKES". I wouldn't diagnose it as the LOVE BUG yet
Aristotle: "Major likes"?
Melissa: it's too soon to tell
Aristotle: "Love bug"?
Melissa: yes
Aristotle: What are these illnesses?
Melissa: well, the MAJOR LIKES is this... thing. Where you really really really like this one person and you can't stop thinking about them no matter how hard you try to, no matter how busy you make yourself. And everytime you see that person, they make you smile and your heart does back flips inside your chest and your lungs freak out and and contract so you can't breathe. And your blood gets excited and takes a hit of crack. And then your adrenaline decides it want's to take part and take an insane trip through your body. I think I may have just described the LOVE BUG... There's kind of a thin line between the two
Aristotle: That sounds EXACTLY like what happens when I see Fredri.....somebody I know. Do you know She gave me a wedge of fancy cheese for my birthday party months ago? I had it preserved and mounted on the wall.
Melissa: Yeah. I think it mutates into the LOVE BUG when you still feel the same way about that person 2 years down the road, even after they've broken your heart.
Aristotle: .... Will she break my heart?
Melissa: I dunno. : (
Aristotle: That's not very reassuring.
Melissa: I'm sorry. I'm at a loss as to what could prevent that side effect
Aristotle: Cancer sounds easier. There's no cure, is there?
Melissa: No. it's a dangerous disease, this LOVE BUG. you really have to be careful and guard your heart. all you can really do is go along for the ride, but be safe about it.
Aristotle: Okay. Thank you for your advice. I'm kind of glad it isn't cancer, I don't know why the other person said that.
Melissa: hahahahaha sometimes it may feel like cancer but this doesn't kill you. even when it does feel like it is, it's not really. time will heal you. friends will help you.
Aristotle: SOMEONE ELSE SAYS IT'S THE SWINE FLU!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!
Melissa: You won't die. just treat it like you would any other flu. you'll live
Aristotle: b-b-b-b-ut... you're sure?
Melissa: yes. i'm sure

Zombies and Fedoras

So I went to the doctor, and he told me I wasn't sick. This is good, I mean, I got to go to Rico's party. He can be a pain, but he knows how to throw a party. Not like my parties, but still, he has pretty good ones. I had a lot of fun. Yeah. It was really cool. And great. Nothing I like better than severed heads floating in bowls of red punch. Saige jumped out at Rico and scared him. I think Rico screamed. I just laughed.

I received several compliments on my fedora, which I tipped at everyone who noticed. Then some crazy person grabbed my scarf and started yanking on it, trying to choke me. I turned around, and it was a zombie Dracula. I couldn't tell it was Kip until he moaned, "I vant to suck your braaaaaaains..."

Ha ha, Kip. Very funny.

I also found out something new. I have an assistant? Apparantly she spell-checks my blogs, corrects my mistakes, and adds links into the text. I was wondering why I hadn't seen Astrid in a while. I guess she figured I was covered. Neat. Now instead of having Astrid nag me to write, I have this assistant who nags me to write. Actually that's kind of annoying, but oh well.

This sick feeling hasn't gone away though, I think I need advice from the Viva Swag femmes.

Crow Tastes Bad

So... I guess I misunderstood Rico, and I guess he didn't mean what he said in a mean way, so I guess I sort of apologized to him over Fredrica's amazing chicken.

I don't know what's wrong with me, or why I'm so confused lately. Remember that cheese I kept from my birthday? Well, now when I look at it, I don't see a parking garage or some fancy slice of cake anymore--I see her face. Don't laugh at me. I know it looks nothing like her face. What is this anyway? It's like, I try to think about my mansion, and I think, "Fredrica." I try to think about what Kip and I should do to hang out, and I think, "Fredrica." I look in my kitchen, and I most definitely think, "Fredrica." What's wrong with me??

Maybe I need to go see a psychiatrist. Maybe there's something wrong with my head. No, a doctor, cause it's something wrong with my chest. Every time I think about her I get little flutters in my stomach and my heart goes faster. I'm sick, that's it. I'm sick, and I need a doctor. I have the best doctor in the world, and he'll know what to do. Maybe it was all those cookies I ate last night. That makes sense.

Lay Off, Rico!

I've decided. I've decided Rico doesn't know what he's talking about when he says anything. First he spouts off that I kidnapped Kip, my best friend, and locked him up somewhere. I still can't believe he landed me in jail for a few weeks. Then he starts saying things about Fredrica. That he'd even think she has guilt to run off. He's obviously blind, he doesn't see how beau... I mean... yeah she looks okay. So... so lay off, Rico! Just because some two bit magazine put you on the front cover for a month doesn't give you the right to mouth off about Fredrica. You know what? You're fired. I don't want salsa lessons from you anymore. Take that.

What I want is some more of Fredrica's cooking. I've never had anything like it. I have all my chefs work from her recipes, but they can't get it just right like she can. The other day, I had them make the Swordfish Steaks I saw in her CAVE, but the taste was just... just off. I don't know how else to describe it. Something was missing. Same with the lobster tail I tried the day before that. I've offered her full-time positions as my chef, but she loves her restaurant too much to leave it. It's too bad, I mean, she's really sweet and pretty and... and... um...

I still have the cheese. Don't laugh at me.

Free At Last

I couldn't tell who was trying harder not to laugh, the police officers questioning Kip, or Takahatchi. Kip waltzed--or rather limped--into the station dressed head-to-toe like a wannabe hippie chick and demanded my release in a high-pitched tirade. Aside from a strained ankle, he looked perfectly well, and the police finally agreed to my release. I'm free, finally, back at the mansion. Hygiene wasn't a priority in the prison, so I had a good scrub with my cocktail bar soap. Also, despite my generally hairless face, I managed to grow some scruffle in prison, so I had a heart to heart with a container of shaving treatment shaving cream. Looks like that set Takahatchi got me for my birthday wasn't for nothing.
Birthday!

Oh my gosh, today is Fredrica's birthday! Not... that... it's that important or anything. She's just a fellow Vivaswag teammate, that's all... yeah I should get her something. Any thoughts anybody? What do you think she'd like?

FAQ and Orange

Normally I don't pay much attention to what I wear. I am, after all, descended from Zeus, so anything I wear will merely accentuate my good looks, but it's difficult--even for me--to look good in this prison outfit. It looks vaguely like the Short Sleeve Coat, but baggier and bright orange. Orange! Whoever invented orange? Or at least this shade, it's awful!

That and the officer who staked out my house still holds a grudge over my deoderant comment. Worse, said officer is a member of PETA, and was furious to find out what had happened to the zebras and peacocks I ordered. She made me memorize PETA's mission statement and by tonight I'm supposed to be able to recite the answers to every question on their FAQ page online. What am I, a third grader?

I'm begging you, my friends and readers, to find a way to get me out of here. Find Kip, he's got to be somewhere in my mansion. I have to go, the officer is coming back to check on my progress. She'll have a cow if she finds out I've been using this time for personal blogging. Hm, that would be interesting, her having a cow...

Black and Sacre-Blue!

So... it was a stupid idea to try and bribe the police, but I panicked! I tried to explain that I hadn't seen Kip in days, but it's hard to articulate when your face is being squashed against the floor, and it's even harder to get the air necessary to speak when your wrists are being cuffed behind you.

So it's suspected kidnapping--that's what they wanted to talk to me about, but locking the door was stupid. Now I'm under arrest for "attempting to bribe an officer" and "resisting arrest." It only got worse from there. I didn't get a chance to see the officer cuffing me, but I could smell. This individual needed a shower, and badly. I cheerfully offered him some of the deoderant that was lying in a drawer in my nightstand. I found out then that "he" was a "she" and she didn't appreciate my offer. She informed me, angrily, that she'd been staking out my island for days and that her lack of showering was my fault. She was wearing a really pretty rhinestone ring. How do I know this, you ask? Easily. It left a black and blue imprint under my eye. I've been able to admire the pattern in the prison mirror this past week.

Kip still hasn't turned up. At this rate, they'll lock me up for good. I didn't do it, I tell you! It wasn't me! But they don't believe me. The only reason I'm able to blog right now is the fact that I traded a full week's worth of phone calls for a half hour online.

As a good friend of mine would say, sacre blu! How will I get out of this mess, and how did I get in it in the first place?

There Goes the Door...

WHY ARE THERE POLICE ON MY ISLAND???

At least they got rid of the lions, but why are they on my island? I didn’t kidnap Kip, I didn’t! I just can’t find him, my mansion ate him! That sounds like a bad teacher excuse. “My mansion ate my homework.” Except it’s not my homework, it’s my best friend!

I’ve locked the door to my room and I’ve decided not to come out until the police go away. I’ll just curl up with my iDog and play Flogging Molly. If I shut my eyes and plug my ears, maybe they’ll go away.

They’re not going away, they want in. They’re threatening to break down the door and arrest me. They can’t do that! Can they? This is all Rico’s fault. Stupid Rico, got the police involved instead of trying to HELP ME find Kip on my own. Maybe if I give them money they’ll go away. I keep some emergency cash in my Armani Exchange wallet under the… why am I writing this down? That’s stupid. I just keep some emergency cash, that’s all you need to know. Maybe they’ll go away now. Oh crap, there goes the door. It was a really nice one too…

WHERE?!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! I CAN'T FIND KIP ANYWHERE! ONE DAY HE'S IN EVERY ROOM I GO TO, THE NEXT HE'S VANISHED!

Deep breaths... deep breaths... deep breaths... Saige would tell me to breathe...

But what am I supposed to do?? There are lions right outside my door, the staff is combing the mansion from top to bottom, and nobody knows! I know I was mad and all, I mean, he was reading my journal! But I didn't want him gone! Well, okay, I wanted him gone right then, but... but... BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!

Breathe...

Stupid Kip going off in the stupid mansion without a stupid guide! What do I tell Cleo??? "Hi, I'm sorry, your boyfriend is MIA and you may never see him again"? Or how about "Please don't kill me, but my lions ate your boyfriend"??

Okay, breathe, nobody's been eaten. Nobody's been eaten.

I've equipped my staff and myself with mobile headsets so we'll know the instant anyone finds him. And we WILL find him, somehow! I swear I'll never complain about his singing again!

Have Mercy

Hello to anybody who's reading this. I'm here to ask for your help, or beg for your mercy if you won't help. Kip's a really good friend of mine, really, but he's decided to "lay low" at my mansion. You'd think that with a place as big as mine we wouldn't find each other so often, but every time I enter a room, he's there. And he's usually drowning his sorrows in his iKaraoke. Loudly. He doesn't have a voice, I tell you, he can't carry the lightest tune! Thanks a lot, Rico, for that. If I recall, your slogan for that stupid machine is "You know you're a star. iKaraoke proves it to the world." The world doesn't want to hear Kip Deshler singing "Boom Boom Ain't It Great to be Crazy" at the top of his lungs! So if you can't help me, have the mercy to shoot me!

I've been trying to figure out a way to keep him in one room, and just one room, so I can invite some other people over. It is, once again, far too quiet in the mansion. I'm hoping I can convince my chef friend to come back and make another amazing dish now that there are no more zebras (or peacocks) roaming the island. Oh, that reminds me, I need to have those lions trapped or something really bad might happen.

Still haven't gotten the taste of snails out of my mouth. Ugh...

Rubbery Food

Okay, I have to start by saying I know next to nothing about cooking. My idea of a good dinner is one that has been professionally made for me. I don't know what goes into it, or what makes it taste good, I just tip well and give my cook a bonus. With that being said, I bought a couple of things for this chef I know. I spent an hour asking Meadow--very calmly, mind you, extremely calmly--what I might get for this chef as I casually browsed through some of the higher-end stores. Bless her, she was eager to help, and I bought five crates of Tomato Fresh Fruit Vinegar and six crates of Bottarga. Don't ask me what Bottarga is, I have no idea. All I know is there's a picture of a fish on front.

There were a lot of interesting things to try at all the different restaurants. There was this weird dish called escargot. Tasted rubbery, I'm gonna have to ask Fredr-I mean my chef friend, what that was all about. All in all, it's been a good weekend, but I'm ready to jet back to my island. Ted must be lonely without me.

There were a lot of interesting things to try at all the different restaurants. There was this weird dish called escargot. Tasted rubbery, I'm gonna have to ask Fredr-I mean my chef friend, what that was all about. All in all, it's been a good weekend, but I'm ready to jet back to my island. Ted must be lonely without me.

In-Flight Movie Bombs

For all the security they make you go through in the airport, you'd think they'd check the in-flight movies for bombs. They took my nail-clipper set and frisked me because the metal detector dinged, but the second I slid into my seat they were playing 2001: A Space Odessey. I have never ever been so bored in all my life ever. The only interesting part was the whole problem with Hal, the computer. Everything else just dragged on with no point and no story. I almost screamed "BOMB!" in the middle of the flight. Fortunately, I came prepared. They hadn't taken my handheld TV set from me, and that was the only relief I had the entire trip.

Oh, forgot to explain. I still had one more present to talk about, but I kind of forgot to write about it because it couldn't be wrapped. Kip worked out a whole travel plan for me since I've been spending too much time on my island. So while the lions I bought do their work, I'll be eating the best chocolates and cheeses to be had in Paris, taking in the sights, and generally playing the part of tourist. It'll fun pretending to have less money than I actually do, because people won't really notice me then. I'll see how people who aren't rich tour Paris for myself, except when I'm eating. And sleeping. Hotels and restaurants aren't places I'm going to skimp on.

Maybe I can bring back some recipes for Fr--no. Not saying that name. Haven't been able to stop saying it in my head these last few days, I'm not going to start it up again.

Fuzzies and Fedoras

Okay. So the peacocks were a dumb idea. Really stupid. They shriek like a hundred tortured cats every ten minutes, and they spook the zebras. I'm buying two lions and having done with them all. It's either that or gluing their beaks shut. But the zebras blew their last chance the other night when they attacked Fredrica. One was holding her hostage in her car. I ran out, fedora pulled low, and slapped the stupid animal's butt. That got it going.

Fredrica came over and helped me make a dinner, it was delicious. Just thinking about it makes me hungry all over again. Mouth-watering doesn't even begin to describe it. It amazes me how she can make a gourmet dinner with the little food I had. She laughed at my placecard holders, but I thought I should have them out since I haven't had formal company in a while.

I ended up mounting the cheese wedge on the wall. Don't laugh at me. Looking at it gives me warm fuzzy feelings.

When The Moon Hits Your Eye

I don't get it. It's just a wedge of cheese. Why do I have the sudden urge to preserve it in a transparent airtight container? I've even starting wondering which of my twenty fireplace mantlepieces it should be placed on. That's not all, though. The other day I was looking at a jewelry store, and something pulled me in. I looked around, and I spotted this chain necklace. For some reason, Fredrica's face flashed through my mind, and I thought "That would look great on her." So I bought it. Now I'm staring at it wondering what I was thinking. How would I even give it to her?

"Excuse me, Fredrica? I was thinking of your face when I saw these chains..."

"Hi Fredrica. I just found these lying around, and they're useless to me, so..."

"Hey, Fredrica, you look great in chains!"

That doesn't sound right. Why can't I stop thinking about her anyway? I need to put this cheese away. It's probably the fumes. Yes, the fumes of the parking-garage-cake-slice wedge of cheese. Maybe I should throw it to the zebras, get them to shut up. No, not that, it was a present. Oooooh, what is wrong with me? Maybe I need to see my personal physician. Yes, he'll know what to do.

Peacocks. I think I'll import some peacocks for the island. Maybe the bright colors will calm the zebras down.

Who Needs Zebras Anyway?

Alright, I am fed up with Zebras, and they take a lot of feeding by the way. They don't like being in my stables, so I give them a paddock, they don't like the paddock, so I put trackers on them and released them onto my island. They kick any handler that comes near them--that is, the females do. The males charge and send the handlers running for the trees. And the noise they make! I thought it was cool at first, but they make it ALL the TIME. They like to circle near my mansion at night and make that sound really loudly. I think I'll call it a breigheem, cause it sounds like a bray, a neigh, and a scream. Bray-eem. Breigheem. They breigheem a lot. I'm getting tired of it. I think I might get two lions imported next week and have done with the problem. It'll be nice to have some quiet again.

Oh, I opened the last of the presents today. Cleopatra got me a cool t-shirt that says "Yale" on it. I've never been to Yale, but nobody knows that, right? So I can pretend, and people will be impressed. "Hey, he has a Yale T-shirt, he must have gone to Yale! Gosh, he's gotta be the smartest person ever!" Hehe, that'll be awesome. She also got me a cardigan. I never really got why they're called cardigans, it looks like a stretched out sweater to me. But it doesn't matter, they both look great on me. The t-shirt shows off my perfectly sculpted body, and the cardigan definitely enhances the hot look.

Hot is the wrong word. I'm not hot, I'm.... ah-hah! I'm stunning. It enhances my stunning look.

Will somebody PLEASE get me the contact information for a lion trapper?!

Of Zebras and Cheese

I can't get over how funny it is. Kip played a joke on Meadow, calling in the Paparazzi, but someone got Kip good. Listening in and taping embarrassing things he says is one thing, but posting them online is another. Kip's sooooo mad about it. I wouldn't be whoever that was for a million dollars. Not that I need a million dollars.

I had zebras imported to my island today. They're pretty, and I wanted to pet them, but they tried to bite me. And kick me. I just took some pictures and set 'em loose on the island. They make the weirdest noise, a cross between a bray and a neigh and a laugh.

Oh, and I opened two more presents today. Takahatchi's made me laugh. I'm a descendant of Zeus! I don't need to shave, because I don't grow hair on my chin. Still, it's a cool old-fashioned shaving soap set, and I'll keep it on my sink.

Rico knew just what I wanted. He got me a PSP-3000! I'd been thinking about getting one, but I kept getting distracted. Whenever I'd go to the electronics store, I'd find other things I wanted to buy, and forget to get my PSP. Rico, you are amazing.

I'm still staring at that cheese Fredrica gave me. It's starting to smell really good, and I'm wondering if I should eat it. But whenever I look at it, I think of her. Not that she looks like a parking garage or a slice of weird cake, but it happens. Weird, I don't know why. Maybe I should just eat it.

A Bit of Confusion

Today, I guess I'm only going to write about one of my gifts. I've been looking at this one for a while, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's so odd. I smell it, and it smells like cheese. I drop it on the counter, and it sounds like cheese. I touch it, and it feels like cheese. I don't dare taste it yet, because when I look at it, it looks nothing like cheese. It looks like some tiny exotic building made of marble, or a really weird-looking slice of cake. The tag says it's some fancy form of cheese, but I'm still not convinced. Many strange things come out of Fredrica's kitchen, and most aren't what they seem. I should thank her though, it's pretty to look at. But what do I thank her with?

I got it! It looks like a parking garage!

Wait, no, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking about what to give Fredrica. Let's see... a parking garage? No. That's stupid. It has to be something women like. What do women like? Oh I know! They like to hang things from their ears! I really don't get why, but I know they do! Haha, I got it! These earrings are perfect. I'll send them now. Pfff, parking garage. I must be getting too much sun.

Really though, it does sort of resemble...

Two Gifts

Hello readers! Today I'm gonna write about two of the most awesomely neat-o gifts I got. Can't talk for long, though. It's too quiet around here again, so I'm gonna throw more parties, maybe one every day? No, too much. Once a week. A party once a week will work. And... and I'll have a different animal imported each time to release on my island! Yeah! I think I'll get Zebras first, about ten of 'em. And the week after, I'll get some peacocks. They'll look so cool strutting around with the Zebras!

Oh, right, the presents. Well, I guess Farrah found out about my private plane from my first blog, and she got me these sweet little Armani Exchange Wire Frame Aviator Sunglasses! So I can have sunglasses when I go high flying! It's a mouthful to say though, so I just call 'em my fly-shades.

Then Saige got me something that's fun AND cool. They're these little ceramic eggs, but they're not really eggs. I did try to cook one, but when I cracked it, dirt came out. Not shaved chocolate, dirt. That was disappointing, but then I read the instructions. I thought they were just those little recipes that come with treats, but they're instructions. You set the eggs in their little pots and crack the top. Then you plant seeds in the dirt, and these little plants grow! A plant coming from an egg instead of a chicken! Why didn't someone think of this years ago? It's the coolest thing ever! Much cooler than an omelette, although I am still hungry. And I haven't gotten the taste of dirt out of my mouth yet.

Best Party EVER!

My party was the bomb. And not like last time, when it just bombed. This time it was hopping. All my teammates from Viva Swag were there, and a few celebrities I invited over. Everything I planned went like I planned because when I plan plans, I plan well.

I don't see eye to eye with Rico, but I'll admit this much. He's a great DJ. With his music and kick-butt sound system, the evening was off to a great start. I'd had a sweet hardwood dance floor built, and we danced and danced and danced. I even saw Astrid out there, doing some serious grooving! After an hour or so of dancing, Kip and I sent everyone off on a scavenger hunt we'd put together. I'd bought a truckload of clothes and accessories from Cleopatra and Farrah, then scattered them around the island. My only rule? Finders, keepers! The dance floor emptied fast.

By the time they came back, arms loaded with goodies, they were hungry. Lucky for me, Fredrica brought a ton of these delicious little Brie & Raspberry Stars. Everyone loved them. I have to remember to thank her later, and order some more. Those treats are addicting.

After that, everyone wandered over to the Beachview Room. It's a cherrywood paneled room with an open wall on the far side. The open wall has a light screen that can be opened or closed, but either way there's almost always a nice breeze coming in. I had a bunch of Saige's candles around, and one of my butlers was hiding near the air vents, wafting Takahatchi's Vanilla Grapefruit perfume into the room.

I haven't opened the presents yet. I'm so excited, but I want to see how long I can go without opening them. It's a test of willpower. When I go into the room and stare at the gifts, they stare back at me. It's man against box. Aristotle against bright colors and shiny bows. I gave in and opened one so far. An awesomely cool watch from Meadow. She's definitely getting flowers as a thank-you. As for the others... I can resist... but why am I resisting? Forget it! I'm hooked now, I have to see what the rest of the shiny boxes are hiding! Aristotle signing off!

I Feel Ill

I don't feel very well. I think Rico poisoned me. He told me not to drink from that stream, when he knew, very specifically knew, that the moment he said that, I would drink from that stream. Yes. That's it. And, and we were attacked. Vicious animals, yes, it was a mountain lion. No, two... three of them. They all jumped me, but I held them off. Rico did nothing. Stupid cats--I mean mountain lions. They tore my shirt and shorts! That was expensive casual wear! And then this rabid horse tried to run us down. It didn't have a saddle or bridle or anything! What idiot set wild horses loose on my island?! It was foaming at the mouth and gnashing its teeth at me, I tell you! Rico paid it a carrot to run me down! It came at me right after he fed it.

I'm really not feeling well. My skin is all red... probablly Ricos' faulsts too...at leaest i'''m hoomes... neveeer shouldsa hasvse....fihas;ldkfkn;...........

Wednesday is Wonderful--Deal With It

Rico's in over his head. He thinks I won't make it on this trek. I'll show him. I won't even be winded by the end of it, and he'll be so winded, it'll be like a hurricane! His breathing, that is. Like a hurricane. But I'll have it easy. My eyes will be protected by my Dior 60s sunglasses, and walking around the island will be a cinch with my Speed Cat PUMA sneakers. I hear Rico's just coming with his sandals and a sweatband. My island will eat him up like a jelly bean. No, that doesn't work. I like jelly beans too much to compare Rico to them... chopped liver! My island will eat him up like chopped liver. Ewww... but who likes chopped liver? My island wouldn't want to eat him up. Hmm... this is one of those brain teaser things, but I don't have time to think about it. We're about to leave.

Oh, did I mention it's my birthday today? It's my birthday today! I'm throwing the greatest party ever on Wednesday next week. Why Wednesday? Because I like Wednesday! Do you have a problem with that? Well, then you're not invited. But you are, Frederica. So are you Farrah, and Meadow, and Cleopatra, and Kip, Takahatchi, Saige, and even Rico. Because I'm not so petty as to shun one of the elite Viva Swag team. And, of course, our dedicated publicist, Astrid. Come prepared for a scavenger hunt! I'm off to explore my own island!

Who Is Jackson And Why Did He Ruin My Party??!

The party was awesome, I mean, everyone was there. There was that guy from that movie, and that girl from the music video, and that other guy. Really. There's nothing like a Jet-Setter's party. Nothing in the world. Nothing... in... OKAY OKAY nobody came. It was a graveyard. They were all at this stupid funeral. Who's this Jackson anyway? Did he ever own an island? Huh? HUH?? And if he did, I bet he never named it Ted. They'll see what they missed. Next week it's my birthday, and I'm inviting ALL my Viva Swag friends, and NONE of the rich celebrities. Yeah, see how they take it. They'll be sorry. And so will Jackson.

Speaking of sorry, I'm gonna make sure Rico takes back what he said about me. What's he got against trainers anyway? You don't get anywhere without practice, and that's just what my trainer is for. That, and to tell me what a great job I'm doing. He'll see. He can't compete with a descendant of Zeus himself. We're going on an exploratory trip around my island. With my trusty Magellan Professional GPS, I'll know right where I am the whole time. See, look at it. It looks like you're looking down from a satellite or something! You can see all the little cities and buildings all laid out like on one of those little globes. Rico has no sense of direction. He'll have to depend on me and my GPS. That'll teach him. Come Saturday, it's on. Or... yeah. The GPS. On. You know, the on button. Yeah.

All the Pretty Little Ponies

Aristotle Metropolis, paging Aristotle Metropolis. That's me! Oh yeah! Who's the man? I'm the man! Today is the day my private island will be christened by the first ever Metropolis party! And Metropolis parties don't happen just anywhere, they happen only on my island--Ted! That's right, my island's name is Ted. The party will be the perfect place to show off my new cuff links. I almost bought the 14k Two-Tone Men's Diamond Cuff Links, but I love horses. Horses and ponies! My island has so many horses and ponies running around! It's like a merry-go-round broke down and freed all of them! Oh, cuff links. So I bought the LogoArt Denver Broncos 24kt gold Logo Cuff Links. They look so much cooler! Just look at them, you can almost see the wind whipping through their golden little manes. I'm inviting all my Vivaswag friends to the opening, it's going to be so awesome! I'll let you know how the party went in a few days.

I GOT TO SEE IN THE COCKPIT!!!

Hold on while I check my OMEGA SEAMASTER PLANET OCEAN to get an exact reading of how much time we have to… oooo shiny, look at the pretty hands go round and round, shiny, pretty… Oh! Sorry there, off destination. Rewind! Checking, checking, checking the OMEGA and YES! We’ve got oh-one-hundred-minutes minus one thousandth of a second before my next daring adventure. So let's make this snappy!

I am Metropolis. Aristotle Metropolis. Celebrity spokesperson for Viva Swag Jet-Setter talking to you from my OneSky GULFSTREAM V where simplicity, flexibility, and peace of mind are tops. Not only that, the whirly turbines go so fast! And the Captain gave me an airplane pin that says ONESKY and I GOT TO SEE IN THE COCKPIT!! But I couldn’t really see too well because a bug smashed against my goggles during my last sky diving expedition. Huh. I don’t know why I’m still wearing my goggles... well anyway doesn’t matter because times up! The Omega beeped! Over and out!

P.S. - My publicist Astrid said I should just blog about stuff and be myself. I usually use a ghost writer to communicate with my public. Pretty good, huh?