FAQ and Orange

Normally I don't pay much attention to what I wear. I am, after all, descended from Zeus, so anything I wear will merely accentuate my good looks, but it's difficult--even for me--to look good in this prison outfit. It looks vaguely like the Short Sleeve Coat, but baggier and bright orange. Orange! Whoever invented orange? Or at least this shade, it's awful!

That and the officer who staked out my house still holds a grudge over my deoderant comment. Worse, said officer is a member of PETA, and was furious to find out what had happened to the zebras and peacocks I ordered. She made me memorize PETA's mission statement and by tonight I'm supposed to be able to recite the answers to every question on their FAQ page online. What am I, a third grader?

I'm begging you, my friends and readers, to find a way to get me out of here. Find Kip, he's got to be somewhere in my mansion. I have to go, the officer is coming back to check on my progress. She'll have a cow if she finds out I've been using this time for personal blogging. Hm, that would be interesting, her having a cow...

Black and Sacre-Blue!

So... it was a stupid idea to try and bribe the police, but I panicked! I tried to explain that I hadn't seen Kip in days, but it's hard to articulate when your face is being squashed against the floor, and it's even harder to get the air necessary to speak when your wrists are being cuffed behind you.

So it's suspected kidnapping--that's what they wanted to talk to me about, but locking the door was stupid. Now I'm under arrest for "attempting to bribe an officer" and "resisting arrest." It only got worse from there. I didn't get a chance to see the officer cuffing me, but I could smell. This individual needed a shower, and badly. I cheerfully offered him some of the deoderant that was lying in a drawer in my nightstand. I found out then that "he" was a "she" and she didn't appreciate my offer. She informed me, angrily, that she'd been staking out my island for days and that her lack of showering was my fault. She was wearing a really pretty rhinestone ring. How do I know this, you ask? Easily. It left a black and blue imprint under my eye. I've been able to admire the pattern in the prison mirror this past week.

Kip still hasn't turned up. At this rate, they'll lock me up for good. I didn't do it, I tell you! It wasn't me! But they don't believe me. The only reason I'm able to blog right now is the fact that I traded a full week's worth of phone calls for a half hour online.

As a good friend of mine would say, sacre blu! How will I get out of this mess, and how did I get in it in the first place?

There Goes the Door...

WHY ARE THERE POLICE ON MY ISLAND???

At least they got rid of the lions, but why are they on my island? I didn’t kidnap Kip, I didn’t! I just can’t find him, my mansion ate him! That sounds like a bad teacher excuse. “My mansion ate my homework.” Except it’s not my homework, it’s my best friend!

I’ve locked the door to my room and I’ve decided not to come out until the police go away. I’ll just curl up with my iDog and play Flogging Molly. If I shut my eyes and plug my ears, maybe they’ll go away.

They’re not going away, they want in. They’re threatening to break down the door and arrest me. They can’t do that! Can they? This is all Rico’s fault. Stupid Rico, got the police involved instead of trying to HELP ME find Kip on my own. Maybe if I give them money they’ll go away. I keep some emergency cash in my Armani Exchange wallet under the… why am I writing this down? That’s stupid. I just keep some emergency cash, that’s all you need to know. Maybe they’ll go away now. Oh crap, there goes the door. It was a really nice one too…

WHERE?!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO! I CAN'T FIND KIP ANYWHERE! ONE DAY HE'S IN EVERY ROOM I GO TO, THE NEXT HE'S VANISHED!

Deep breaths... deep breaths... deep breaths... Saige would tell me to breathe...

But what am I supposed to do?? There are lions right outside my door, the staff is combing the mansion from top to bottom, and nobody knows! I know I was mad and all, I mean, he was reading my journal! But I didn't want him gone! Well, okay, I wanted him gone right then, but... but... BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!

Breathe...

Stupid Kip going off in the stupid mansion without a stupid guide! What do I tell Cleo??? "Hi, I'm sorry, your boyfriend is MIA and you may never see him again"? Or how about "Please don't kill me, but my lions ate your boyfriend"??

Okay, breathe, nobody's been eaten. Nobody's been eaten.

I've equipped my staff and myself with mobile headsets so we'll know the instant anyone finds him. And we WILL find him, somehow! I swear I'll never complain about his singing again!

Have Mercy

Hello to anybody who's reading this. I'm here to ask for your help, or beg for your mercy if you won't help. Kip's a really good friend of mine, really, but he's decided to "lay low" at my mansion. You'd think that with a place as big as mine we wouldn't find each other so often, but every time I enter a room, he's there. And he's usually drowning his sorrows in his iKaraoke. Loudly. He doesn't have a voice, I tell you, he can't carry the lightest tune! Thanks a lot, Rico, for that. If I recall, your slogan for that stupid machine is "You know you're a star. iKaraoke proves it to the world." The world doesn't want to hear Kip Deshler singing "Boom Boom Ain't It Great to be Crazy" at the top of his lungs! So if you can't help me, have the mercy to shoot me!

I've been trying to figure out a way to keep him in one room, and just one room, so I can invite some other people over. It is, once again, far too quiet in the mansion. I'm hoping I can convince my chef friend to come back and make another amazing dish now that there are no more zebras (or peacocks) roaming the island. Oh, that reminds me, I need to have those lions trapped or something really bad might happen.

Still haven't gotten the taste of snails out of my mouth. Ugh...

Rubbery Food

Okay, I have to start by saying I know next to nothing about cooking. My idea of a good dinner is one that has been professionally made for me. I don't know what goes into it, or what makes it taste good, I just tip well and give my cook a bonus. With that being said, I bought a couple of things for this chef I know. I spent an hour asking Meadow--very calmly, mind you, extremely calmly--what I might get for this chef as I casually browsed through some of the higher-end stores. Bless her, she was eager to help, and I bought five crates of Tomato Fresh Fruit Vinegar and six crates of Bottarga. Don't ask me what Bottarga is, I have no idea. All I know is there's a picture of a fish on front.

There were a lot of interesting things to try at all the different restaurants. There was this weird dish called escargot. Tasted rubbery, I'm gonna have to ask Fredr-I mean my chef friend, what that was all about. All in all, it's been a good weekend, but I'm ready to jet back to my island. Ted must be lonely without me.

There were a lot of interesting things to try at all the different restaurants. There was this weird dish called escargot. Tasted rubbery, I'm gonna have to ask Fredr-I mean my chef friend, what that was all about. All in all, it's been a good weekend, but I'm ready to jet back to my island. Ted must be lonely without me.

In-Flight Movie Bombs

For all the security they make you go through in the airport, you'd think they'd check the in-flight movies for bombs. They took my nail-clipper set and frisked me because the metal detector dinged, but the second I slid into my seat they were playing 2001: A Space Odessey. I have never ever been so bored in all my life ever. The only interesting part was the whole problem with Hal, the computer. Everything else just dragged on with no point and no story. I almost screamed "BOMB!" in the middle of the flight. Fortunately, I came prepared. They hadn't taken my handheld TV set from me, and that was the only relief I had the entire trip.

Oh, forgot to explain. I still had one more present to talk about, but I kind of forgot to write about it because it couldn't be wrapped. Kip worked out a whole travel plan for me since I've been spending too much time on my island. So while the lions I bought do their work, I'll be eating the best chocolates and cheeses to be had in Paris, taking in the sights, and generally playing the part of tourist. It'll fun pretending to have less money than I actually do, because people won't really notice me then. I'll see how people who aren't rich tour Paris for myself, except when I'm eating. And sleeping. Hotels and restaurants aren't places I'm going to skimp on.

Maybe I can bring back some recipes for Fr--no. Not saying that name. Haven't been able to stop saying it in my head these last few days, I'm not going to start it up again.