FAQ and Orange

Normally I don't pay much attention to what I wear. I am, after all, descended from Zeus, so anything I wear will merely accentuate my good looks, but it's difficult--even for me--to look good in this prison outfit. It looks vaguely like the Short Sleeve Coat, but baggier and bright orange. Orange! Whoever invented orange? Or at least this shade, it's awful!

That and the officer who staked out my house still holds a grudge over my deoderant comment. Worse, said officer is a member of PETA, and was furious to find out what had happened to the zebras and peacocks I ordered. She made me memorize PETA's mission statement and by tonight I'm supposed to be able to recite the answers to every question on their FAQ page online. What am I, a third grader?

I'm begging you, my friends and readers, to find a way to get me out of here. Find Kip, he's got to be somewhere in my mansion. I have to go, the officer is coming back to check on my progress. She'll have a cow if she finds out I've been using this time for personal blogging. Hm, that would be interesting, her having a cow...

Black and Sacre-Blue!

So... it was a stupid idea to try and bribe the police, but I panicked! I tried to explain that I hadn't seen Kip in days, but it's hard to articulate when your face is being squashed against the floor, and it's even harder to get the air necessary to speak when your wrists are being cuffed behind you.

So it's suspected kidnapping--that's what they wanted to talk to me about, but locking the door was stupid. Now I'm under arrest for "attempting to bribe an officer" and "resisting arrest." It only got worse from there. I didn't get a chance to see the officer cuffing me, but I could smell. This individual needed a shower, and badly. I cheerfully offered him some of the deoderant that was lying in a drawer in my nightstand. I found out then that "he" was a "she" and she didn't appreciate my offer. She informed me, angrily, that she'd been staking out my island for days and that her lack of showering was my fault. She was wearing a really pretty rhinestone ring. How do I know this, you ask? Easily. It left a black and blue imprint under my eye. I've been able to admire the pattern in the prison mirror this past week.

Kip still hasn't turned up. At this rate, they'll lock me up for good. I didn't do it, I tell you! It wasn't me! But they don't believe me. The only reason I'm able to blog right now is the fact that I traded a full week's worth of phone calls for a half hour online.

As a good friend of mine would say, sacre blu! How will I get out of this mess, and how did I get in it in the first place?